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Reading and discussing sex health articles and books seems like an easier way to open channels of communication with your partner rather than: “We need to talk about the way you make love to me” or “We need to talk about your oral sex performance”. Partners can either read material separately or together, then, discuss their reactions. This way it is easier to make the transition from a book or article to personal feelings than to begin by talking about highly personal concerns. Last, but definitely NOT least important, use this opportunity to ask open-ended questions as well as sharing your likes, dislikes, and desires by always using positive remarks rather than criticism.  


Do you like when we make love?”
ANSWER: “Of course I do honey.”
“What gives you the most pleasure when we make love?”
ANSWER: “I love when you take your time caressing my entire body (be specific, rather than simply saying prolonging foreplay) BECAUSE (very important to explain why so your partners truly understands its importance) it makes me (don’t just ask for it, but explains how does that make you feel or what does that meant to you) reach higher scales of arousal leading to exquisite orgasms

All right, you can always use your own words you know…Lol!
“Do you like when I perform oral sex on you?”
ANSWER: “Yes, thank you.”
Lol! Of course, the majority of people do, so whether you are that good at it or not, your partner will probably rather have it anyways.  
“Which of these oral sex techniques would you like me to practice on you?”ANSWER: “Well, that combination of hand job and tongue technique they are doing seems like something I would probably like.”
This is when you finally realize that books or videos come EXTREMELY handy. Otherwise is like trying to explain lipstick or nail polish quality to a man. Yeah, exactly…. let’s watch that video.Lol!


“What am I doing wrong?”
ANSWER: “I don’t know”
Oh yeah, this won’t lead to anything good. Lol! Never ask what you can’t handle… unless you are truly open to a REAL honest answer.
“Which of these techniques do you like less or don’t really care much for?”
ANSWER: “Inserting a tongue into my ear/tapping on my clitoris/ humming on my penis/ talking dirty to me doesn’t really do anything for me. I don’t hate it, but it just doesn’t turn me on at all.”
A very polite way to say: “please stop doing it as you are turning me off” Lol! 
“You should learn more about oral sex techniques”
“You should read that book/watch that video and practice on me”Sure you do that, while I seat here and receive its benefits because I really have NO room for improvement so why wasting my time. OK???? Lol!


“I would love for us to learn and try new oral sex techniques/sex positions/sex aid products”
“You don’t know how to make me orgasm.  I mean after 5 years, you should know by now.”
Yeah well, here it goes the end of that love making session and the ones to come. Lol! 
“It is hard for me to me to reach orgasm sometimes (focus on facts instead of making it all be his/her fault). I would love if we both learn new orgasm techniques to further please each other (make it about both of you rather than me, me, me).”
“What do you expect? You don’t even kiss me anymore.” “You are such a great kisser! I miss those delicious kisses you used to give me when we were dating. I melt down just to think about it.”


NO matter what you say….don’t say “you should” or expect the other person to do it all. Nothing healthier and sexier than learning and exploring together!!! After all… a couple is about two people, not one. And sex for two is definitely more fun than sex for one so Go Team, Go!!! Lol!

Stay tuned for more Sex Health/Relationship tips, additional Educational Articles, Seminars or contact me for an Individual/Couples Coaching Session!!!

Ileana M. Calderon, Certified Sexologist, Relationship Coach, Bilingual Sex Educator and Blog Contributor for
PHONE: 305-877-0202 / EMAIL:

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  • Contributors:

    • Dr. Carol Clark,

      Board Certified Sex Therapist and Addictions Counselor, President and Senior Instructor at the Sex Therapy Training Institute

    • Ileana Calderon,

      Certified Sexologist, Relationship Coach and Sex Health Educator

    • Dr. Harold Reed,

      Diplomat of the American Board of Urology, and Surgeon specialized on sex change surgical procedures.

    • Marilyn Volker,

      Diplomat of the American Board of Sexology and an Associate Fellow of The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists.

    • Beth Levy Merlin,

      Sex Therapist

  • Introduction:

    • Introduction Video Coming Up Soon!
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